


arctic

by Super_Danvers



Category: Snowpiercer (TV 2020)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post Melanie death, Post-Season/Series 01, Self-Harm, snowpiercer - Freeform, trigger warning, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 04:42:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30134160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Super_Danvers/pseuds/Super_Danvers
Summary: After Melanie freezes to death, Miss Audrey must confront her guilt.
Relationships: Miss Audrey & Alexandra Cavill, Miss Audrey/Melanie Cavill, Miss Audrey/Wilford (Snowpiercer)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	arctic

It was Ruth who lead Melanie’s funeral procession. With teal paper flowers adorned over an empty casket and a following accompaniment of Melanie’s closest colleagues, it was a fitting send-off for their ice-claimed saviour. The sense of loss throughout the entire train was palpable. Everybody turned out, even those who hadn’t been treated well under her rule. First, Second and Third-Class, the Tailies, the Brakemen and even Boki came to stand, shoulder to shoulder, with the rest of the train. Big Alice’s passengers lined the walls too, silently sharing their grief. Those who didn’t mourn Melanie personally, mourned her lost abilities to keep the last of humanity alive. Snowpiercer and every breathing soul would be a lasting testament to that, they all knew.

Alex didn’t attend the funeral. Although Javi had offered to stay and monitor the Engine so she could go, the teenager had refused and practically locked the other engineers out of the room so she could grieve in peace. She could hear the singing coming from down train. It was some pre-freeze song she couldn’t remember the words to but hearing it sung by every last human alive, she couldn’t help but feel a little comforted by it. It was that comfort that kept her hand from throwing Snowpiercer into full speed and letting it derail over the approaching canyon. She knew that’s not what her mother would’ve wanted. 

Alex felt only numbness as she stared out at the frozen wasteland. Everything was empty, and hollow. Nothingness. It was all Melanie’s fault. If she hadn’t of left, she would still be alive now. She’d left the train for the foolish hope that there might be some way of re-colonising the earth. Anger swelled up inside Alex, rage boiling like lava in her veins and setting her body on fire. Her ears and face went red and, just as she was about to stand and throw her chair across the room, there was a knock at the door.

“Fuck off!” She snarled. Nobody could help her, and nobody could save them. It was only a matter of time until they were all frozen lumps in the snow. 

“Alex,” The voice was gentle as it called out to her. “It’s me. It’s Audrey.” 

“Go away!” 

“Are you alright in there? Will you let me in?” 

Hot tears filled in Alex’s eyes, burning her cheeks as they streamed down her face. She picked up the chair and made a point to throw it against the door. 

“Leave me _the fuck_ alone!” She screamed. “I mean it, go away!” 

There was a silence. Then, the door opened and revealed Audrey in its frame with a key card in her hand. She was dressed head to toe in black, with a thin veil crossing down over her face. It hid the running mascara beneath. She didn’t acknowledge the broken chair at her feet, only stepped over it and into the Engine room. 

“Alex-“ She started softly, seeing the evident pain the teenager was in. 

“Go away! Fuck you!” 

Alex picked up another chair to throw and as she did, a sharp crack in the seat dug into her palm and cut it deeply. She dropped the chair and swore through her teeth. Audrey stepped closer. 

“Alex-“ 

Alex held out her bloodied hand. “I mean it, stay the fuck away from me, Audrey. If you come one step closer I swear to fucking god I will derail this train myself.” 

“You won’t do that.” 

Alex put her hand on the throttle. **“Try me**.” She snarled.

Audrey was right. She wouldn’t do anything to harm the train, no matter how much she wanted to. Still, the thought of the rest of the train feeling what she’d lost was attractive and it was hard to resist. Audrey stopped her approach and instead, held up surrendering hands. 

“I came to make sure you were okay.” She said with a genuine remorse that made Alex’s blood boil even more. 

“Don’t act like you care. You’re a fucking traitor, Audrey.” Alex seethed. “You abandoned this train to satisfy your own needs at the first chance you got. Acting like Wilford’s little bitch with your bathtubs and incessant singing just so you could be first on the list to survive his nightmare. Look at you now, coming up here during her funeral like a lost, little puppy begging for forgiveness. My mother would be disgusted by you. I fucking hate you.”

She knew her words hurt Audrey. Even under the veil, she could see it on her face. Good, Alex thought, she wanted her to hurt. Alex wanted Audrey to feel everything she felt. Wanted her to feel like her chest hurt so bad that it might just cave in on itself and to have her heart shatter in so many places that there would be no way of piecing it back together again. 

Alex gasped out in pain as blood flowed freely from her hand and made large spots on the floor. The chair had cut deeper than she thought. She let go of the throttle and squeezed her palm in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Audrey remained still. 

“Please understand, Alexandra. I didn’t go onto Big Alice for my own benefit. I did it for the good of this train.” 

“ _Liar_.” 

“You can believe that all you want but the truth is this. Layton sent me onto that train to get into the comms box so he could hear Wilford’s plans from Snowpiercer’s engine. He knew Joseph and I had a past and wanted to use that to his advantage. I couldn’t get the screwdriver in and so I prolonged my stay to re-attempt it.” Audrey paused for a moment and then, in a much quieter voice. “I never thought I would fall back under his spell.” 

Audrey removed her veil, exposing her exhausted face beneath. She really looked her age when she was like this. Her mascara had run down her face, seeping into her skin and making her look like some sort of macabre clown that haunted children’s nightmares. Her hair, although perfectly styled, was sweat stained and stuck to her forehead in a clammy coldness. Cracked lips, dropping eyes, sniffling nose: the only thing that seemed to be intact about Audrey was the black silk blazer around her shoulders. She removed her gloves and rolled up her sleeves, exposing her arm beneath. A long, thin white line ran from her wrist up to her elbow. 

“He did this to me. Made me do it to myself. He did the same to Kevin. That’s how he controls us and makes us like his little pets. He gets into your head, Alex, you know that. You understand.” 

Alex stared at the wound. Because the skin was healed, she knew the scar had been inflicted a long time ago. Small, horizontal ones could be seen underneath, those even older. Alex’s eyes flitted back up to Audrey. She pulled up her own sleeve. 

“I know.” 

Revealed beneath Alex’s sleeve was a white scar, identical to Audrey’s from wrist to elbow. Fresher, but healed like hers was. Audrey’s face fell.

“He did it to you too?” 

Alex pulled her sleeve down. “When I was twelve, he caught me sneaking food down to the rest of the train. Food that was supposed to be for him, and too rich for the worker’s stomachs. It made them sick and it stopped work for a week.” She paused, and indicated to her arm. “He made me swear I would never jeopardise our train ever again.” 

“So, you understand that I-“ 

“I kept sneaking food out. It had to be part of Jupiter’s dog food, but it was enough. It didn’t upset stomachs and Wilford never noticed.” Alex continued. “I never did anything for myself. I never abandoned my train. No matter what he said. I didn’t turn my back on my friends.” 

“Alex-“ 

“Go away, Audrey. I don’t have the energy for your guilt.” 

Her tears had stopped flowing now, and even her anger had quelled. Alex just felt tired now and Audrey’s presence was exhausting her. 

She pushed past her and retrieved the first aid kit out of one of the drawers. After recovering her broken chair, Alex sat and began bandaging her cut hand. In front of her, Audrey stood stock still, as if she were afraid to move. Alex ignored her. She didn’t care what the older woman did. Stay, go, live, die. None of it mattered to her anymore. 

The singing of the train died for a moment, then a new song struck up. Only one voice sang out, a haunting tune that rang up through the comms and played clearly into the Engine. A faint smile came to Audrey’s face as she recognised the song and she drew up a chair as she joined in with the singing.

“ _Yet there’s no sickness, toil nor danger in that bright land to which I go_ , ” She sang gently. The singing continued for another verse, and was then joined by a chorus of others. Audrey stopped, falling silent and closing her eyes to appreciate the song. “They’re singing for you.” She said gently.

Alex looked up from her bandages. “What?” 

“The song. Listen. It’s for you.” 

Alex listened. True to Audrey’s words, the lyrics of the song that were accompanied by no music, were for her. The entire train were singing it, their solemn voices harmonising together in perfect mourning. 

_ “ I'm going home to see my mother, _

_And all my loved ones who've gone on, I'm only going over Jordan,_

_ I'm only going over home. ”  _

Alex was silent as she listened. Her thoughts were full with the pictures of Melanie trudging through the snow, suffering in silence at the station, and running to try and catch the train back. Alex thought of the last image she’d seen of her, just a half-frozen breach suit covered by the snow. She closed her eyes. Her chest ached and tears were building back up again. 

“I don’t know what to do without her.” She whimpered, hating how weak her voice sounded. “I only just got her back.” 

A sob fought its way out and her kit clattered to the floor as her hands trembled in anger. 

_ “She left me. She left me. She left me  **twice** _ .” Alex trembled and the tears flowed freely now, splashing onto her newly bandaged hand and salting at her mouth. “ _ She left me, she left me, she left me- “  _

Every phrase became more and more panicked and soon enough, Alex couldn’t breathe. Her chest heaved, her heart raced, her knees trembled and her words couldn’t keep up with her mouth.

“ _She left, she left, she left_ -“ 

Audrey moved instantly, wrapping Alex into her arms and pressing her up against her chest. She held her tight, tight enough to squeeze the life out of her, and stayed as still as a statue as she sobbed and thrashed. Not thrashed to get out of Audrey’s arms, but thrashed at the image of her mother. The one that stayed stuck in her head of her mother holding her cheek and leaving her all over again. 

“Don’t go, Mom, please.” Alex whimpered, pressing her face against Audrey’s clothes. Her grip on the woman’s coat became weaker and weaker as all her energy sapped out. “Please, Mom. Don’t go. Don’t leave.” 

“It’s alright, Alex.” Audrey soothed, stroking the teen’s hair the way she’d seen Melanie do it. “It’s alright. I have you, okay? I have you.” 

“I want my mom.” Alex’s voice came out in such a pleading manner that it made both women realise how much of a kid Alex still was. Barely seventeen. Nowhere near the age to lose her mother, not for a second time anyway. 

Audrey didn’t know what to say so she just kept a good, tight hold of the girl until she was too tired to cry anymore. The song faded and more were sung until finally, the crowds dispersed and the empty casket was dropped from the train. Ruth brought back some of the teal flowers and left a gift for Alex in Melanie’s empty bunk. It was a blanket she had borrowed years ago and forgot to return, and now it was Alex’s. 

Audrey sat with the teenager until she fell asleep in her mother’s bunk, and tucked the blanket up to her chin when she did. Alex had lost her mother, but she hadn’t lost Audrey, and that was the closest to her mother she was ever going to get again. 

Audrey didn’t mind it. She owed Alex out of guilt and she owed Melanie out of word. After all, she had made a promise. 

**Author's Note:**

> Aight I promise to be less depressing and to write some actual spice soon.


End file.
